I wish Rachel would get Ram Slammed by a Slumdog

Its Chrismakwanzika and my gift to all of you are these words.

Its raining and 50 degrees here in LA, so those of you who think its always sunny and 75 can eat shit.

I made it a point to go to target to buy things that had nothing to do with the holidays or presents - air fresheners and fuel treatment for the car - just to be in the way. It was fun.

I don't find a great deal of things amazing, but this I have to show anyone who will watch.



I have been a little lax with my reviews as of late, but I have a few that i would like to get out there.

First is The Tales of the Beetle Bard by JK Rowling. If you enjoyed Harry Potter - you're a liar if you didn't or illiterate - then you should read this companion. The tales themselves aren't amazing, but the notes from Dumbledore are a great insight into the character and his mind. Like most I don't want Potterverse books just for the sake of it, and this is worth the hour or so most adults will need to spend reading this book.

Now here's something I didn't like, Rachel Getting Married. I don't know how this movie got made, but I blame Jonathan Demme because he has directed some good movies in the past - Philadelphia, Silence of the Lambs. The story goes nowhere, no one learns anything, and people act like selfish douche bags - thanks for helping me escape reality for a couple hours. Seriously, this is written by Sidney Lumet's daughter - Jenny Lumet - and you'd think that she had learned that there should be an act to a character's journey, but that isn't the case. Oh, there's plenty of conflict, "Oh my God, I should be your Bridesmaid even though I was in jail and you didn't know they were going to let me out in time for the wedding, whaaaaa!" Holy God this movie was bad. And Josh Blue seems to have gotten into shooting melodrama - and everyone thought Cloverfield was nauseating.

Now, I'm gonna go on record here and say Slumdog Millionaire was my second favorite movie of the year. If I had my way, The Dark Knight would win the Oscar for Best Picture - I like comics, fuck off - but Slumdog Millionaire deserves it more than any of the other 'contenders'. Every performance was amazing, the music was perfect, the visuals were breathtaking and the story was beautiful. Sadly, this movie was marketed horribly. Its made to look like, "That foreign movie with dark skinned people doing weird things on one of our game shows," that only people who enjoy french new wave would understand. But there's as much action in this film as there is in The Dark Knight and its as deep and sweet as Wall-E. If you are going to go see any of the 'Oscar Contenders' go see this one.

Everyone knows I have a 'Man crush' on Brad Pitt. Fight Club, 12 Monkeys and Seven are some of my favorite movies. However, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is not on that list. The movie is visually beautiful except in the war scenes were it looks like the guy who made the original King Kong was resurrected just to make a really lame Sea Battle. The F. Scott Fitzgerald short this is based on doesn't give a lot to work with, but what David Fincher, Eric Roth and Robin Swicord came up with paints Bejamin as a douche bag just to serve the twist of the story. Sadly, it removes you from the movie early - I figured it out all too easily - and they focus too much on Button/Pitt as an old looking boy/young man just to show off visual effects. The other thing this film does have is multiple great performances. The best being Taraji P. Henson who plays Queenie, the care taker/mama of Benjamin Button. She is fantastic. Second being Cate Blanchett. She's just very good in everything. Sadly, this movie isn't very good and is easily an hour too long for the amount of story they actually present. Rent it.

Quantum of Solace was stupid. Everyone else who watched it with me fell asleep.

The Wrestler suffers from a similar lack of story arc as Rachel Getting Married, but at least we're given some good performances. I didn't get it till I watched the movie, but a few people I know who saw it prefaced their review with, "Were you into the WWF when you were a kid?" If you didn't at one point enjoy wrestling even in the slightest bit, then this movie isn't worth it. Mickey Rourke can never do anything ever again. He might as well join the WWE and live the life Randy 'The Ram' Robinson didn't get as a young man. You get to see Marisa Tomei's boobs. Not a selling point for many, but it helped break up the excruciatingly long, staged wrestling scenes. I say rent this along with the next Wrestlemania. You'll enjoy both much more.

As you may notice, if you care about links, that I did not link the movie titles to their page on IMDB. This is because when I looked at the IMBD page for The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, F. Scott Fitzgerald is not mentioned as the writer of the original material. That has annoyed me, as it should anyone who has a pulse.

There's A Reason Spain Isn't A Super Power & Other Things

This is Spain's Olympic Basketball Team posing for an ad in a Spanish Newspaper. Wow, the Olympics have arrived in style this year. Ass-hats.

Almost nothing else has happened that I would like to make fun of because well, my life is very boring. Sad, but true.

I have a butt load of movies under my belt, but I don't want to go into detail about most of them, so I'll just tell you to see the two I think you should see. With some sugar to make it go down nice.

First there's The Dark Knight. If you haven't seen it already, you're life is sad. You're an outsider, and I mean the leprous kind, not the kid smoking on the corner that everyone wants to bang - even me. GO SEE IT!

Hellboy 2 was exactly what I expected, but I'm glad I waited to see it with friends in a whole in the wall theatre on the cheap. Go see a Matinee.

Hancock Puts Man's Head Up Other Man's Ass

I got out of my house and saw Hancock. I was apprehensive about seeing it with all the bad press it has been getting.

All of that was dismissed as the movie unfolded and it wasn’t your everyday, superhero gets powers then finds an archenemy then has to beat the enemy plot.

This is a man vs. self story line, the type of plot conflict that all the best ancient myths revolve around from Hercules to Buddha to Thor.

There is a mortal enemy who greases the wheels for our hero to be who he truly is, but it’s the mental side that is focused on. And that’s what so many people have a problem with. You’re not going to get a ‘Magneto’ or a ‘Luthor’ to watch rise up for the Hero to prove himself against. Instead, you have a being that hates himself and it takes Jason Bateman and his son, played by the fantastic Jae Head, seeing what is truly the hero behind the haze of booze and skuzzy beard getting him to stop hating himself.

I won’t ruin the twist, which is hidden just enough that you can see it coming and still be happily surprised when it shows, but the conflicts in this story humanizes all the characters making them believable and at many times, sweet. And that goes doubly so for Smith and Bateman. Their relationship is perfectly played.

My one complaint is with Peter Berg and his shaky camera work. Seriously, at a dinner scene, there’s no reason for the camera to be jumping all around like Josh Blue is wielding a handheld.

I say watch it, and go with lots of people. Hancock is a great way to spend an afternoon eating popcorn or some nachos.

Michael Bay To Rape The Dead

I might be way behind the times here, but I just found out that Michael Bay and his production company Platinum Dunes is going to Rape... I mean Remake Friday The 13th.

This will be done using the latest technology to splice elements from every movie in the Friday The 13th library together creating the Voltronesque Jason that can finally overcome his fear of water.

Friday the 13th will have a camera pointed at a pile of crap by - I mean directed by Marcus Nispel, of 2003's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Pathfinder previously. The screenplay for this raping was penned by writing partners Damian Shannon and Mark Swift of Freddy vs Jason previously. Although this Friday the 13th is not a sequel, it is technically the 11th film in the franchise and follows Jason's last appearance in Freddy vs Jason in 2003. Friday the 13th is currently set to open on Friday, February 13th, 2009.

Good with a Banjo, no so good with Words

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words. It is 36 letters long and is one of the longest words in the English language.

For those of us who prefer to use a more manageable word than Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, my thesaurus informs me that ‘Stupid’ & 'Irony' are acceptable as well.

When something makes you want to do more when you’re done with it you know its good. Like heroin or a good movie.

In Bruges is one of those movies. As for the heroin I wouldn’t know, but I do know Martin McDonagh is my new hero. This guy is a fantastic writer and director. I can’t wait for him to do more films.

In Bruges is about two hitmen, Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson, the odd couple of the hired killer world, who are hiding out in Bruges, Belgium after a job went sour.

For Ray – Farrell – this is the worst idea for a place to hide out. Or in his own words, “If I'd grown up on a farm and was retarded, Bruges might impress me, but I didn't, so it doesn't.”

For Ken – Gleeson – it’s a great way to spend a little down time after a job.

As they do the touristy thing, Ray discovers they are filming midgets for a Belgium Movie. This sends they pair on a downward spiral of drugs and karate choppin’ midgets in the neck.

Ralph Fiennes shows up as their boss, Harry, and is perfect as a total wack-job.

I won’t write anymore concerning the content because anything else gives too much away. But the dialogue is amazing, Farrell is fantastic, Gleeson is awesome, Fiennes is perfect, and the visuals are stunning.

I know the first actual posting on Punch In The Face Rules is something I like, but if you don't go rent/buy this movie - you will be punched in the face - hard. Now get it, it's out on DVD today. Then choose a side – black midgets or white midgets.

What are the Punch In The Face Rules?

What are the Punch In The Face Rules?

The Punch In The Face Rules were inspired by all those offenses that people commit which go beyond getting on your nerves. Actions that scream, “I have no interest in being courteous to you or anyone else - ever.”

A perfect example is the person that gets into the 10 items or less lane with 15 or more things in their grocery cart. He or She should be punched in the face – hard.

Sadly, we live in a society where punching people, even those who deserve it, can get you arrested and I don’t need anymore stories that end with, “And I had to sit in a jail cell all night cause my Mom refused answer the phone.”

So, after being an angry youth and an angry young man, I have decided to channel all of this into being an angry young writer.

So, I will be punching anyone or anything I think needs it. Whether its people driving like idiots to Movies and entertainment related stories to Mother’s who don’t pick up after their children in public.

They’re all gonna get Punched – with my words.